Marcelle Cooper knew something was wrong when she looked down at her beautiful, giggling, baby and felt absolutely nothing.
In the years beforehand, Cooper had suffered six miscarriages, endured IVF and all kinds of alternative therapies, as she and husband Steve tried desperately to have a baby.
And then, a year after the couple from North Sydney stopped trying, their "beautiful miracle girl" Skye arrived.
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"She was perfectly healthy and thriving," Cooper said.
"We were in our love bubble, it was so special and she was reaching every milestone effortlessly.
"But around the 12-week mark, I came tumbling down, like a brick wall."
"I was absolutely riddled with fear and dread so deep in my bones that I could barely eat and I couldn't sleep.
Cooper describes the emotional rollercoaster of having tried for a baby for so long, and then deciding to stop trying, only to then fall pregnant unexpectedly and carry a baby to term, as being completely overwhelming.
"You so desperately want answers, but there are none to give," she said.
"There's the hope and the grief and the anxiety and the shame, and that real feeling of failure, and almost desperation of like, 'my body is meant to be able to do this, why can't it?'
"We were broken, we were worn out physically and emotionally, and we sort of came to a place of surrender and acceptance."
It was after a year of travelling and rekindling their relationship that Cooper unexpectedly fell pregnant again, but she was immediately anxious.
"Given my history, I pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I was just gonna wait for (another) miscarriage, essentially.
"And then she actually arrived and she was this perfect baby.
"I was like, 'Oh my God, I don't know what to do. I can't stuff this up… I've got to do right by her'."
Skye was born during the COVID-19 pandemic, meaning the Coopers could not have visits from family.
"It was just the two of us battling away, and we had absolutely no idea what we were doing," Cooper said.
"Around the six-month mark, I really distinctly remember my husband was at work and Skye was on the change table, and she was trying so hard to like babble and giggle and engage with me and I remember looking at her, and it was just nothing there, it was just emptiness.
"It was just this devastating feeling of 'this poor baby deserves so much more than me as her mum'."
At that point, Cooper knew she needed help and had a telehealth consult with her GP, who referred her to the Gidget Foundation.
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Gidget Foundation Australia is a not-for-profit organisation that supports expectant, new and potential parents who may be experiencing perinatal depression or anxiety with specialist care, including up to 10 bulk-billed, face-to-face, individual psychological counselling sessions for clients referred by their GP with a mental health care plan.
"It was just an instant sense of relief," Cooper said.
"I was so ashamed and felt so guilty and like I was such a failure and I thought I was the only person in the world that ever felt like that."
She began fortnightly consults with a Gidget clinician, via videolink due to the on-going pandemic.
"They really grounded me and it never felt overwhelming… it was so self-paced.
"I felt like I could share my worries with someone without feeling like I was burdening my loved ones because they felt quite helpless as well."
According to Gidget Foundation, one-in-five mums and one-in-10 dads will be diagnosed with perinatal depression and anxiety.
The foundation is the largest supplier of perinatal mental health support services but they only see 4.5 per cent of the 100,000 parents diagnosed annually.
"We know that there's roughly 95 per cent of people (who) are either trying to source out a private psychologist, which is rare and hard to find with specialist skills, but also probably going without, so we know the demand is really significant," Gidget Foundation CEO Arabella Gibson said.
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Early intervention is critical to changing the trajectory of families experiencing perinatal depression and anxiety, Gibson said.
"Having a baby, the identity change that brings, the responsibility that brings, the pressures, financially, personally, from a relationship perspective, there's so many changes that we go through..
"So many people will go on for years feeling horrific and terrible and resorting to drugs, alcohol, gambling, whatever, when in fact, if we got in early, got them the support they need, gave them the tools and talked through the issues, we could actually capture a whole lot of heartache within a matter of months and have them back on track again.
"I know that probably sounds really simple, but in actual fact, it is that simple, because there is still a stigma around perinatal mental health, because it's meant to be a time of joy but actually it can quite often be incredibly challenging and the weight of bringing a new human into the world can be very heavy."
There are now 39 Gidget Houses across Australia – including the latest location which opened at Stockland Burleigh Heads on the Gold Coast last week.
The Gidget Foundation was named after a young mother who took her own life while experiencing postnatal depression.
"(Gidget) had the beautiful marriage and the beautiful home, and the great job and the beautiful friends and everything like that," Cooper said.
"It doesn't discriminate.
"Asking for help isn't a weakness, that's the strength, and that was definitely the scariest and most courageous thing I did.
"But it wasn't until I did reach out that everything changed."
Baby Skye is now about to turn five, and will start school next year.
"She's so caring and she's super sensitive to everyone else's feelings," Cooper said.
"We look at each other sometimes and we're like, wow, this little human is so lovely."
Gidget Foundation Australia is not a crisis support service.
Perinatal mental health support is available from the PANDA National Helpline on 1300 726 306.
The Red Nose Grief and Loss Support Line is available 24/7 for anyone affected by the loss of a pregnancy, stillbirth or death of a baby or child on 1300 308 307.
Readers seeking support can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. In an emergency, dial Triple Zero (000).
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